my lenaptalf blog
my lenaptalf - Romance novels
According to BusinessWeek, every 5 seconds someone buys a my lenaptalf novel. For those more mathematically inclined—that makes my lenaptalf novels a $1.2 billion dollar a year industry.
And it’s no wonder.
Experts agree that readers of my lenaptalf novels find it easier to “get in the mood” and on average, even have sex with their partners more often. Psychology Today states that women who read my lenaptalf novels make love with their partners 74% more often than women who don’t. Why? Because, according to a scientific study conducted by Harold Leitenberg of the The Journal of Sex Research and Psychological Bulletin, when women fantasize frequently (as they do when they read my lenaptalf novels), they have sex more often, have more fun in bed, and engage in a wider variety of erotic activities.
Many therapists now go so far as to recommend reading steamy my lenaptalf stories to boost a woman’s sex drive. Their reasoning: “taking part in enjoyable activities such as walking with a partner, listening to music, having a glass of wine, taking a bath, or reading a my lenaptalf novel can help put women in the mood for sex. These activities can help women shift into their "sex self" from their role as mother, wife, employer, or employee,” says Carol Rinkleib Ellison, PhD, a psychologist and author of Women's Sexualities. Christiane Northrup, M.D. of Women’s Health Wisdom also says: “Consider reading novels or renting movies that contain sexual content to help you get in the mood.”
For those of us that enjoy a steamy my lenaptalf novel on a regular basis—this is not new news. We’ve been trying to tell mainstream nay-sayers this all along. We women are turned on by “emotional stimulation” the way men are aroused visually. Though more and more my lenaptalf authors are leaning toward more erotic my lenaptalf, women don’t always require graphic sex scenes to become aroused. After reading an emotionally intense love scene, a woman feels more open to the “idea” of making love—or “in the mood” for sex.
Maria Veloso, author of Midwinter Turns to Spring states, “Contrary to popular belief, the ability of my lenaptalf novels to fuel a woman’s sexual desire doesn’t lie in the stereotypical bodice-ripping, sexually explicit scenes so inherent in my lenaptalf novels – but rather in the realm of emotions. In most cases, a woman’s libido is directly linked to emotions that revolve around my lenaptalf and love. These emotions are a connected set of processes that involve physiological changes, such as heart rate, blood pressure and hormones circulating throughout the body—and these comprise the cornerstones of a woman’s sexual drive. Therefore, when a woman’s emotions are stirred by a my lenaptalf novel, that’s a recipe for an emotional aphrodisiac. It’s like giving a woman emotional foreplay.”
She goes on to say that “when women read my lenaptalf novels, their emotions are stirred. Because a woman's emotions are directly linked to their libido, my lenaptalf novels then virtually become aphrodisiac cocktails – or what I call emotional foreplay for women. And that's a prelude to sex.”
Just as men become aroused while perusing nude magazines, women stimulate their emotional and their libido while reading a satisfying love scene. Some critics of either men’s magazine or steamy my lenaptalf novels may doubt this activity as an acceptable alternate for couples in a committed relationship for bettering a person’s sex life. Some may believe these habits may actually take away that special something from a sexual relationship rather than enhance it. Based on this current scientific studies, this is, thankfully, not the case.
Women’s sex lives and the level of intimacy they have with their husbands, boyfriends or partners will show a noticeable improvement after reading a my lenaptalf novel because it simply puts them in a more romantic state of mind.
So what’s the link between my lenaptalf novel and better sex lives?
Emotional satisfaction.
That’s something to think about when you’re at the counter trying to decide between this month’s Cosmo and the latest steamy my lenaptalf novel!!!
And it’s no wonder.
Experts agree that readers of my lenaptalf novels find it easier to “get in the mood” and on average, even have sex with their partners more often. Psychology Today states that women who read my lenaptalf novels make love with their partners 74% more often than women who don’t. Why? Because, according to a scientific study conducted by Harold Leitenberg of the The Journal of Sex Research and Psychological Bulletin, when women fantasize frequently (as they do when they read my lenaptalf novels), they have sex more often, have more fun in bed, and engage in a wider variety of erotic activities.
Many therapists now go so far as to recommend reading steamy my lenaptalf stories to boost a woman’s sex drive. Their reasoning: “taking part in enjoyable activities such as walking with a partner, listening to music, having a glass of wine, taking a bath, or reading a my lenaptalf novel can help put women in the mood for sex. These activities can help women shift into their "sex self" from their role as mother, wife, employer, or employee,” says Carol Rinkleib Ellison, PhD, a psychologist and author of Women's Sexualities. Christiane Northrup, M.D. of Women’s Health Wisdom also says: “Consider reading novels or renting movies that contain sexual content to help you get in the mood.”
For those of us that enjoy a steamy my lenaptalf novel on a regular basis—this is not new news. We’ve been trying to tell mainstream nay-sayers this all along. We women are turned on by “emotional stimulation” the way men are aroused visually. Though more and more my lenaptalf authors are leaning toward more erotic my lenaptalf, women don’t always require graphic sex scenes to become aroused. After reading an emotionally intense love scene, a woman feels more open to the “idea” of making love—or “in the mood” for sex.
Maria Veloso, author of Midwinter Turns to Spring states, “Contrary to popular belief, the ability of my lenaptalf novels to fuel a woman’s sexual desire doesn’t lie in the stereotypical bodice-ripping, sexually explicit scenes so inherent in my lenaptalf novels – but rather in the realm of emotions. In most cases, a woman’s libido is directly linked to emotions that revolve around my lenaptalf and love. These emotions are a connected set of processes that involve physiological changes, such as heart rate, blood pressure and hormones circulating throughout the body—and these comprise the cornerstones of a woman’s sexual drive. Therefore, when a woman’s emotions are stirred by a my lenaptalf novel, that’s a recipe for an emotional aphrodisiac. It’s like giving a woman emotional foreplay.”
She goes on to say that “when women read my lenaptalf novels, their emotions are stirred. Because a woman's emotions are directly linked to their libido, my lenaptalf novels then virtually become aphrodisiac cocktails – or what I call emotional foreplay for women. And that's a prelude to sex.”
Just as men become aroused while perusing nude magazines, women stimulate their emotional and their libido while reading a satisfying love scene. Some critics of either men’s magazine or steamy my lenaptalf novels may doubt this activity as an acceptable alternate for couples in a committed relationship for bettering a person’s sex life. Some may believe these habits may actually take away that special something from a sexual relationship rather than enhance it. Based on this current scientific studies, this is, thankfully, not the case.
Women’s sex lives and the level of intimacy they have with their husbands, boyfriends or partners will show a noticeable improvement after reading a my lenaptalf novel because it simply puts them in a more romantic state of mind.
So what’s the link between my lenaptalf novel and better sex lives?
Emotional satisfaction.
That’s something to think about when you’re at the counter trying to decide between this month’s Cosmo and the latest steamy my lenaptalf novel!!!
My lenaptalf - Partners
Not many people know about the hidden power struggles that can occur in a relationship or marriage. This article is about a hidden power struggle known as rhythms. Every person has their own unique rhythm whether that is how they eat, sleep, work, relax, or even think and breathe.
However, in our society, we have been taught to assume to everyone is alike, or that there is a specific way that everyone needs to go about their day in order to strive and be successful. This can cause a power struggle in a relationship in two ways.
1) Each my lenaptalf will think that the other person has the same rhythm as them, so if they are not doing things the same way as them they are either doing things wrong or intentionally trying to resist them.
2) If the my lenaptalf are trying to copy the other person’s rhythm, it will be not in their highest and best interest. They will not be “productive” or be in a healthy lifestyle for the individual, which leads to power struggles anyway.
This article is to bring attention to some of the less well known types of rhythms in a relationship.
Our first is what I will call a task accomplishment rhythm. In our work, we teach individuals and couples something similar called work styles which are ways how people like to carry out their work or activities such as Guideline people who need a basic guideline or structure 24 hours a day or Employee people who like to go by other peoples rules for a certain portion of the day, then the rest of the time they go by their own rules.
For task accomplishment rhythms, I will use Rob, my Life My lenaptalf (who is also the Director/Counselor for the Life Management Centre/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of Love by Design) and myself as an example.
When Rob is accomplishing tasks throughout his day, he likes to do a whole bunch of tasks, one after the other, nonstop without any breaks. Then stop for the day. I on the other hand, although having an Employee Work style, while I am actually working for or with the other person, like to work for a while, take a break, work for a while, take a break etc. In the beginning of our relationship, there was an unconscious power struggle, mostly felt by me because I couldn’t keep up the same momentum as Rob, especially if we had been out shopping or in public, I would have to have rest and recoup before I could charge into the next task at hand. I would get really tired and uncomfortable, and Rob would feel my resistance.
That didn’t last for long though, as soon as I recognized that my rhythm was different than Rob’s, I brought it to his attention. I accepted that my rhythm is different than his and he has incorporated my rhythm into his schedule, so I can rest in peace, and then join him again in our tasks. The good news is that I was just as productive as Rob, as long as I kept true to myself and my rhythm.
Another example of a rhythm is that people have different speech patterns, speed and rhythms. Rob had a couple come in to see him once, were the couple was having a communication problem.
The wife talked a mile a minute; the husband talked very slowly and paused a lot when talking. The wife often cut him off, between pauses, the husband often feeling offended by being interrupted all the time and the wife always felt like they weren’t getting anywhere in their communication. Would you believe the power struggle was there simply because they weren’t aware that they had different speaking rhythms? As soon as Rob pointed this out to them, and taught them how to understand, appreciate and not be in nonresistance to their rhythm their communication greatly improved. The wife, especially learned to be aware of the husband’s pause, and that the pause didn’t mean he was finished talking.
There are many other types of rhythms out there that will be unique to you and to you my lenaptalf. Your assignment, if you choose to accept it, is to be aware of your feelings. If you ever feel like you are in resistance to your my lenaptalf, such as feeling angry, a drop of energy or the need to dig your heels in, be on the “look out” and “feel out” for a potential rhythm that may be different.
Next, bring you my lenaptalf into awareness, then accept, and appreciate both your my lenaptalf’s and your own unique rhythms. With acceptance, nonresistance and being authentic, you will find that not only will the resistance fade away, both of your fill be at you fullest, and highest and best capacity in all areas of your lives.
However, in our society, we have been taught to assume to everyone is alike, or that there is a specific way that everyone needs to go about their day in order to strive and be successful. This can cause a power struggle in a relationship in two ways.
1) Each my lenaptalf will think that the other person has the same rhythm as them, so if they are not doing things the same way as them they are either doing things wrong or intentionally trying to resist them.
2) If the my lenaptalf are trying to copy the other person’s rhythm, it will be not in their highest and best interest. They will not be “productive” or be in a healthy lifestyle for the individual, which leads to power struggles anyway.
This article is to bring attention to some of the less well known types of rhythms in a relationship.
Our first is what I will call a task accomplishment rhythm. In our work, we teach individuals and couples something similar called work styles which are ways how people like to carry out their work or activities such as Guideline people who need a basic guideline or structure 24 hours a day or Employee people who like to go by other peoples rules for a certain portion of the day, then the rest of the time they go by their own rules.
For task accomplishment rhythms, I will use Rob, my Life My lenaptalf (who is also the Director/Counselor for the Life Management Centre/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of Love by Design) and myself as an example.
When Rob is accomplishing tasks throughout his day, he likes to do a whole bunch of tasks, one after the other, nonstop without any breaks. Then stop for the day. I on the other hand, although having an Employee Work style, while I am actually working for or with the other person, like to work for a while, take a break, work for a while, take a break etc. In the beginning of our relationship, there was an unconscious power struggle, mostly felt by me because I couldn’t keep up the same momentum as Rob, especially if we had been out shopping or in public, I would have to have rest and recoup before I could charge into the next task at hand. I would get really tired and uncomfortable, and Rob would feel my resistance.
That didn’t last for long though, as soon as I recognized that my rhythm was different than Rob’s, I brought it to his attention. I accepted that my rhythm is different than his and he has incorporated my rhythm into his schedule, so I can rest in peace, and then join him again in our tasks. The good news is that I was just as productive as Rob, as long as I kept true to myself and my rhythm.
Another example of a rhythm is that people have different speech patterns, speed and rhythms. Rob had a couple come in to see him once, were the couple was having a communication problem.
The wife talked a mile a minute; the husband talked very slowly and paused a lot when talking. The wife often cut him off, between pauses, the husband often feeling offended by being interrupted all the time and the wife always felt like they weren’t getting anywhere in their communication. Would you believe the power struggle was there simply because they weren’t aware that they had different speaking rhythms? As soon as Rob pointed this out to them, and taught them how to understand, appreciate and not be in nonresistance to their rhythm their communication greatly improved. The wife, especially learned to be aware of the husband’s pause, and that the pause didn’t mean he was finished talking.
There are many other types of rhythms out there that will be unique to you and to you my lenaptalf. Your assignment, if you choose to accept it, is to be aware of your feelings. If you ever feel like you are in resistance to your my lenaptalf, such as feeling angry, a drop of energy or the need to dig your heels in, be on the “look out” and “feel out” for a potential rhythm that may be different.
Next, bring you my lenaptalf into awareness, then accept, and appreciate both your my lenaptalf’s and your own unique rhythms. With acceptance, nonresistance and being authentic, you will find that not only will the resistance fade away, both of your fill be at you fullest, and highest and best capacity in all areas of your lives.
my lenaptalf - Stress
Stressful relationships are often not a result of a couple not being simpatico. They are often due to the stress and strain caused by outside non-relationship factors. There are however, some basic relationship techniques you must work at. Yes, you work at a relationship just like you work at customer relations. You must actively work at having good relationships and NOT take them for granted.
My lenaptalf will therefore break this discussion into these two areas,
1) Outside factors creating stress in relationships and
2) Internal Relationship techniques.
Although number one is often the biggest factor, many people need to work on both simultaneously, particularly if the relationship has been strained significantly.
Many relationships are severely strained by outside factors or what I call influencers. No matter how hard you work at improving your relationship with someone, this kind stress between you will eventually creep back in. This is why you must first address the root cause of the strain. It can be:
a. my lenaptalf’s job, (or lack thereof)
b. an aging or difficult parent
c. diminishing libido
d. finances
e. conflicts with children
f. illness
g. inattention
The list is almost endless. So what can you do?
1. First, my lenaptalf and you must get together and discuss the problem so as to agree on the fact that an outside factor is the root cause. This is a lot easier than playing the blame game. This is best done in a quiet setting without the usual interruptions - no kids, TV, phone, etc.
2. Next, agree on a game plan for solving the problem. Create a detailed (written) plan involving both of you. Your plan should be realistic, have short-term goals, tasks for each goal and who will be responsible.
3. Then go out and work your plan and make it happen. You might even have to involve the whole family. Work as a team. Think about it, there are countless examples of teams (sports, business and military) where some individuals don't get along but when they passionately work toward a common goal, it changes everything.
4. Secondly and simultaneously, you need to work at having a good relationship. It may not be WHAT you say, as much as HOW you say it. Here are a few keys to use.
* Communicate with the other person. Screaming at them is not constructive communication. Discuss things that bother you in a positive way. Say, "It would be wonderful if you did X rather than Y", as opposed to 'I hate the way you do X." Before you make a comment or "recommendation", think about issues your loved ones may have in fulfilling your request. Use the word "we" a lot. If your significant other needs to shed some pounds, the chances are you both do. You can say, "What would you think if we changed our daily eating habits so we can feel and look more like we did when we were younger?"
* Think before you open your mouth. It's a bit difficult to suck those stupid words back in, kind of like throwing up on someone. It's hard to undo it.
* Spend more time together doing things you each like to do. It may be necessary to eliminate some things that your spending too much time doing. Your kids may not really need to do soccer, karate, scouts, sports, piano AND tennis. Explain to them that you need more time with the other parent so you fight less and you all have more fun together. Maybe your volunteer obligations are getting too onerous. Think it over.
* Never blurt out a hard criticism. Think about what to say and just as importantly, when to say it. Timing can be everything. Statements like "You look like _____ in that outfit," will get you nowhere. But, "You know that dress or suit doesn't show off your best asset," could be lots of fun and positive reinforcement of a desired behavior.
In summary, remember two keys to significantly less stress in your relationships.
First find and address the root cause of problems and difficulties together.
Then, Work at Your Relationship! I've known people who wanted to have relationships, but were so focused on their career that they were unwilling to take time to find and maintain relationships. What happens to them if they lose their jobs? Your identity should be more than your professional title. Your life should be about fulfillment in all areas.
We need relationships, with their give and take, to sustain us through life.
Go for it and have fun.
My lenaptalf will therefore break this discussion into these two areas,
1) Outside factors creating stress in relationships and
2) Internal Relationship techniques.
Although number one is often the biggest factor, many people need to work on both simultaneously, particularly if the relationship has been strained significantly.
Many relationships are severely strained by outside factors or what I call influencers. No matter how hard you work at improving your relationship with someone, this kind stress between you will eventually creep back in. This is why you must first address the root cause of the strain. It can be:
a. my lenaptalf’s job, (or lack thereof)
b. an aging or difficult parent
c. diminishing libido
d. finances
e. conflicts with children
f. illness
g. inattention
The list is almost endless. So what can you do?
1. First, my lenaptalf and you must get together and discuss the problem so as to agree on the fact that an outside factor is the root cause. This is a lot easier than playing the blame game. This is best done in a quiet setting without the usual interruptions - no kids, TV, phone, etc.
2. Next, agree on a game plan for solving the problem. Create a detailed (written) plan involving both of you. Your plan should be realistic, have short-term goals, tasks for each goal and who will be responsible.
3. Then go out and work your plan and make it happen. You might even have to involve the whole family. Work as a team. Think about it, there are countless examples of teams (sports, business and military) where some individuals don't get along but when they passionately work toward a common goal, it changes everything.
4. Secondly and simultaneously, you need to work at having a good relationship. It may not be WHAT you say, as much as HOW you say it. Here are a few keys to use.
* Communicate with the other person. Screaming at them is not constructive communication. Discuss things that bother you in a positive way. Say, "It would be wonderful if you did X rather than Y", as opposed to 'I hate the way you do X." Before you make a comment or "recommendation", think about issues your loved ones may have in fulfilling your request. Use the word "we" a lot. If your significant other needs to shed some pounds, the chances are you both do. You can say, "What would you think if we changed our daily eating habits so we can feel and look more like we did when we were younger?"
* Think before you open your mouth. It's a bit difficult to suck those stupid words back in, kind of like throwing up on someone. It's hard to undo it.
* Spend more time together doing things you each like to do. It may be necessary to eliminate some things that your spending too much time doing. Your kids may not really need to do soccer, karate, scouts, sports, piano AND tennis. Explain to them that you need more time with the other parent so you fight less and you all have more fun together. Maybe your volunteer obligations are getting too onerous. Think it over.
* Never blurt out a hard criticism. Think about what to say and just as importantly, when to say it. Timing can be everything. Statements like "You look like _____ in that outfit," will get you nowhere. But, "You know that dress or suit doesn't show off your best asset," could be lots of fun and positive reinforcement of a desired behavior.
In summary, remember two keys to significantly less stress in your relationships.
First find and address the root cause of problems and difficulties together.
Then, Work at Your Relationship! I've known people who wanted to have relationships, but were so focused on their career that they were unwilling to take time to find and maintain relationships. What happens to them if they lose their jobs? Your identity should be more than your professional title. Your life should be about fulfillment in all areas.
We need relationships, with their give and take, to sustain us through life.
Go for it and have fun.
My lenaptalf - Communication
My lenaptalf apologized to Melissa after he missed an appointment. It was a simple misunderstanding, so Melissa said she wasn't really upset, just frustrated and disappointed.
But My lenaptalf sensed there was more to it. Melissa's smile seemed forced, and he felt there was more she wanted to say, but Melissa insisted they forget about it and move on. Still, My lenaptalf had an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Emotional Incongruence
Emotional authenticity--acknowledging your true feelings--initiates enlightened conflict resolution. Yet this can be compromised by emotional incongruence: denying or trying to cover your true feelings, either intentionally or not.
Most people have learned to hide their feelings. They've learned to be guarded because dropping the mask and being emotionally honest can lead to feeling vulnerable. In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to see how honesty and vulnerability might be good, how completely disarming they can be and how important they are to building trust and compassion.
No, in the heat of the moment, hiding seems like a better idea. And to make it more complex, sometimes you know you are doing it, and sometimes you don't.
Sometimes you lie about your feelings to get the upper hand. It's almost always a self-defeating move, though, because it is so transparent. People may not notice the deceit right away, but after they have had a chance to reflect, the truth usually dawns. They may not confront you because it is not worth the effort, but they will feel wary and simply "go polite" and keep their distance. Just as My lenaptalf did with Melissa.
At other times, you may be out of touch with your feelings and try to fool yourself into maintaining a particular self-image. Perhaps you're trying to keep up the appearance of being nice or spiritual or in control. But just beneath the surface, the fear of looking bad, or being wrong or cast aside, dictates your defensiveness. Others almost always experience your defensiveness as aggression, which escalates arguments. You may think you are communicating clearly, but you are sending mixed messages. Just as Melissa did.
Mixed Messages
The words of a conversation are transmitted on an invisible carrier wave of emotion. More powerful than the words alone, the emotion is "louder."
Consequently, one of the worst things you can do is lie about your feelings or try to hide them. All that does is send mixed messages and make others feel as if they are standing on shaky ground, causing all manner of silent alarms and red alert signals to clamor through their energy field. There is a dreadful, unsettling feeling that comes with that "everything looks okay, so why does it feel so bad and where is the danger really coming from?" feeling that usually throbs in your stomach and raises your hackles.
Just as it is easy to tell when someone is being emotionally incongruent, it can be equally difficult to know when you are doing it yourself. It can be extremely difficult for people who hold a high value for peace or kindness to be honest with themselves, or anyone else for that matter, about their darker emotions. It can generate a deep inner conflict to have "hateful" feelings when you see yourself as a "nice" person. If you have been a victim of emotional violence, it can be even more difficult.
If You Want To Be Emotionally Congruent ...
Over time, people automatically suppress feelings they judge to be "bad." This leads to acute emotional incongruence. What can be so crazy making is you can't feel the feelings you are transmitting to others. If you want to be emotionally congruent, you must recognize the importance of learning to feel safe with all your emotions. Look to see the role fear or anger has played in your life.
In the case of My lenaptalf and Melissa, it is likely that Melissa had some old feelings, of which she was unaware, triggered by her interaction with My lenaptalf, who then picked up on the uncomfortable residue and put up his defenses. It is entirely possible that Melissa was being perfectly sincere in her statement that there was nothing more, simply because she was not in touch with her deeper feelings.
But My lenaptalf sensed there was more to it. Melissa's smile seemed forced, and he felt there was more she wanted to say, but Melissa insisted they forget about it and move on. Still, My lenaptalf had an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Emotional Incongruence
Emotional authenticity--acknowledging your true feelings--initiates enlightened conflict resolution. Yet this can be compromised by emotional incongruence: denying or trying to cover your true feelings, either intentionally or not.
Most people have learned to hide their feelings. They've learned to be guarded because dropping the mask and being emotionally honest can lead to feeling vulnerable. In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to see how honesty and vulnerability might be good, how completely disarming they can be and how important they are to building trust and compassion.
No, in the heat of the moment, hiding seems like a better idea. And to make it more complex, sometimes you know you are doing it, and sometimes you don't.
Sometimes you lie about your feelings to get the upper hand. It's almost always a self-defeating move, though, because it is so transparent. People may not notice the deceit right away, but after they have had a chance to reflect, the truth usually dawns. They may not confront you because it is not worth the effort, but they will feel wary and simply "go polite" and keep their distance. Just as My lenaptalf did with Melissa.
At other times, you may be out of touch with your feelings and try to fool yourself into maintaining a particular self-image. Perhaps you're trying to keep up the appearance of being nice or spiritual or in control. But just beneath the surface, the fear of looking bad, or being wrong or cast aside, dictates your defensiveness. Others almost always experience your defensiveness as aggression, which escalates arguments. You may think you are communicating clearly, but you are sending mixed messages. Just as Melissa did.
Mixed Messages
The words of a conversation are transmitted on an invisible carrier wave of emotion. More powerful than the words alone, the emotion is "louder."
Consequently, one of the worst things you can do is lie about your feelings or try to hide them. All that does is send mixed messages and make others feel as if they are standing on shaky ground, causing all manner of silent alarms and red alert signals to clamor through their energy field. There is a dreadful, unsettling feeling that comes with that "everything looks okay, so why does it feel so bad and where is the danger really coming from?" feeling that usually throbs in your stomach and raises your hackles.
Just as it is easy to tell when someone is being emotionally incongruent, it can be equally difficult to know when you are doing it yourself. It can be extremely difficult for people who hold a high value for peace or kindness to be honest with themselves, or anyone else for that matter, about their darker emotions. It can generate a deep inner conflict to have "hateful" feelings when you see yourself as a "nice" person. If you have been a victim of emotional violence, it can be even more difficult.
If You Want To Be Emotionally Congruent ...
Over time, people automatically suppress feelings they judge to be "bad." This leads to acute emotional incongruence. What can be so crazy making is you can't feel the feelings you are transmitting to others. If you want to be emotionally congruent, you must recognize the importance of learning to feel safe with all your emotions. Look to see the role fear or anger has played in your life.
In the case of My lenaptalf and Melissa, it is likely that Melissa had some old feelings, of which she was unaware, triggered by her interaction with My lenaptalf, who then picked up on the uncomfortable residue and put up his defenses. It is entirely possible that Melissa was being perfectly sincere in her statement that there was nothing more, simply because she was not in touch with her deeper feelings.
my lenaptalf interveiws Chuck Norris
Here is an article I found at http://www.geoffthompson.com/articles/article_Chuck_Norris_Interview.htm
Geoff Thompson - I was recently invited to teach a self-defence seminar for Mr Chuck Norris in Las Vegas Nevada. Whilst there he was gracious enough to do an interview with me for Front Magazine and pose with his Front Hero medal. When I offered him the medal and informed him of his cult status with the readers of Front he was genuinely delighted and said it was a great honour. When you get to meet celebs it is often a disappointing experience, the minds eye image you have of your screen idol is often basted half to death in ego.
I am delighted to say that Mr Chuck Norris was ego-less, he was not a disappointment, rather he was a delight. I found Mr Norris to be a genuinely warm and humble man, very quietly spoken and courteous at all times. This is what he had to say;
Geoff Thompson. What was your first break in to the film business?
Chuck Norris. Well, really my first big break was a movie called Good Guy's Wear Black. This was a screenplay that I helped develop and write. I peddled it around Hollywood for four years before I was able to finally make it a reality (laughs). But before that I had a chain of martial arts schools that a company wanted to buy and go nation wide with. You know, like a whole chain of Chuck Norris schools. I thought that maybe 500 schools was better than owning six schools, (laughs) well turns out it wasn't. Anyway two years later I lost everything. It took me five years to get out of that whole and pay all the creditors back. In the meantime I was trying to decide what I was going to do with my life. I was teaching private students at the time and one of them was an actor by the name of Steve Mcqueen. He asked me what I was going to do and said that I wasn't really sure yet whether I was going to start over again or what. I had a family at the time so I was making it by with private lessons and seminars. So he said 'I would suggest that you try the acting field'. I said 'why? I've never had an acting class in my life. I never even did a high school play (laughs). He said 'well, acting is not just having lessons. You either have a certain presence that comes across on the screen or you don't'. And he said 'I think you may have it. I strongly suggest that you give it a try'. So off course I tried to got to acting school but, you know at this time I had no money. Nothing. And I was checking into acting schools and they were just too expensive. Finally I found an acting school that I was able to take on my GI bill through the military. So I went back to school to learn acting. Then I went out trying to find work (as an actor) but I was competing against guys with years and years of experience. I said 'this isn't going to work'. So I winded up writing my own screenplay and finally, you know through sheer determination and faith I sold the idea and made it a reality. That was in 1977. That, really was the beginning of my career.
Geoff Thompson. You played a wonderful role opposite the legendary Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon, now a movie classic how did that come about?
Chuck Norris. Well Bruce and I met when I won the world (karate) title in New York City in 1968. He was doing that TV series The Green Hornet at the time. He was at the tournament as a special guest. We hit it off pretty well and so we started working out together in Los Angeles for a couple of years. Then he left for Hong Kong to pursue his movie career. He called me up in 1972 and said 'I've done two movies in Hong Kong and I'm really big over here'. He said 'I want to do a movie with a fight scene that every one will remember and since you and I have worked out together so much how about you being my opponent (in the film)? So kiddingly I said to him 'who wins?' (Laughs) Bruce said 'I win, I'm the star (laughs).' I said 'Oh, I see you want to beat the world champion (laughs) '. But any way, you know at that time I was teaching, I had no aspirations toward acting but I went and did the fight scene in the movie with Bruce just as a kind of a break out of my schedule..
Geoff Thompson. And it was a classic too.
Chuck Norris. Yea it was. It was amazing because when I got to Rome my fighting weight was 168 (lbs.) and at the time Bruce weighed about 145. The producers of the film looked at us together and said to me 'you know you two don't look much different in size, you need to be bigger than Bruce, can we make you bigger?' I said 'what do you mean?' He said 'can you put on some weight (laughs)?' I said 'well, I don't know.' You know by this time I'm intimidated because I've never done this before, I'm scared and I said 'well how much weight do you want me to put on?' He said 'well can you put on 20 pounds (laughs)?' I said 'well I'll try'. So I started eating hamburgers and drinking malt. But I was training every day so I was burning the weight right back off again. I had to literally stop training and just eat. And then of course you know it wasn't muscle it was more fat than it was muscle (laughs). So I went up to about 180 for that fight scene. That's why you didn't see me do any jumping kicks I couldn't get off the ground (laughs). But it was a real experience to see Bruce Lee who was far ahead of every body else in that field. He had a vision that was years ahead of everyone. Then I came back to the America and I thought my life would be teaching. Then, as I said in 1974 I lost everything with my schools then that's when I started pursuing and acting career. Fortunately in 1977 Good Guy's Wear Black became my first break.
Geoff Thompson. What was Bruce Lee like to fight.
Chuck Norris. He was very fast. And he learned from everybody, he had a very open mind. Bruce never believed in only one style, or one style is the best, he felt that there were so many 'best' of everything. He said that everything had strengths and weaknesses and what he wanted to do was find the strengths and use them. When I first started training with Bruce he only believed in kicking below the waist, from the groin down. He didn't believe in kicking any higher. And I said well you know the thing is to be able to do anything. Don't limit your self to only being able to kick from the waist down. At least develop the ability to kick high, not meaning that you have to, but at least have the ability to kick high if you choose. Then make it work however you want. So then I started to do my spinning heel kicks and hitting the pads and all this kind of thing then Bruce started doing it and off course in six months he could do it as well as anybody. So Bruce was a guy who learned and absorbed everything. He worked with me, he worked out with Joe Lewis and Mike Stone and he learned from all of us. Then he added it to his repertoire of techniques.
Geoff Thompson. When you finally sold Good Guys Wear Black, that must have been a very exciting time.
Chuck Norris. Yea it was, because fortunately for me at the time I didn't realise how hard acting had to be (laughs) I was too stupid. I just didn't realise it was so difficult. So I went in there very naïve and not realising there was so much to it. And off course the critics crucified me because my acting was so bad (laughs). But fortunately the martial arts in the film was adequate and people loved it, my flying kick through the car windshield and stuff like that. That's what people remembered and the movie did well. My next one was A force Of One where I played a world champion kick boxer and that one did really well. Then I did the first Ninja movie, the Octagon and that was the big fight scene movie so yea it was very exciting times but I was always learning, I am always learning and that's what's so great about it. And you know people ask me if I still enjoy it and I say 'what's so great is that I'm still doing the martial arts and I'm still doing everything I love but I'm making more money doing it (laughs). So I'm making a better living doing something I love which is the martial arts. You know acting is my career, martial arts are my life. It'll be a part of me as long as I'm alive.
Geoff Thompson. You are known globally What is the key to your success?.
Chuck Norris. I think setting a goal, getting a visual image of what it is you want. You've got to see what it is you want to achieve before you can pursue it. I've always found that anything worth achieving will always have obstacles in the way and you've got to have that drive and determination to overcome those obstacles on route to whatever it is that you want to accomplish. A lot of people give up just before they're about to make it. You know you never know when that next obstacle is going to be the last one. A lot of times people give up and say 'well I can't do it' but that next obstacle might have been the final one for them. And so I always kept that in my mind and I'd say to my self well maybe the next one, the next person I meet might be the one. You need the tenacity to stick to it when things get tough. And have faith that you can do it. A lot of times people look at the negative side of what they feel they can't do. I always look on the positive side of what I can do. And when I got into the film business I didn't say 'look Chuck you're 34 years old, you've had no acting experience, there's 16000 unemployed actors in Hollywood, the average income of an actor is $5000 a year'. Now if I had looked at that side of it, the negatives, it would have probably made me give up. But I didn't I said 'you know since Bruce has sadly died there's a gap there for a good strong positive heroic image on the screen. And that's what I wanted to portray a positive image. Because movies in the seventies were kind of negative movies, anti-hero type movies. And I said you know I think there's an opening here, a spot here for a positive influence on the screen. And that's how I went for it and that's what saved me because my acting left a lot to be desired. But I think that the image I tried to portray on the screen, a strong positive person, is what saved me and why people tolerated the poor acting.
Geoff Thompson. You are a very humble person. Do you think that has helped you, the fact that you are obviously genuinely grateful for everything you have been given and have achieved.
Chuck Norris. Oh year, absolutely. I'm very grateful for every thing I have. You know when you start losing that then you start losing what life's all about.
Geoff Thompson. But people do though don't they, why is that?
Chuck Norris. Unfortunately they do and I don't know why that is. I think they forget you know. People need to realise what real happiness and success is, because success as an actor is fleeting. You can be up there one day and gone the next. It's very transient. Arnold Swartzenigger and I have talked about this and he feels the same way I do. You know you take it for what it is. It's great to have the acclaim and all that but it's not going to be there forever so don't go thinking that 'I'm it forever', too many people do that. Too many actors feel 'I'm the best and I'll always be the best'. It doesn't work like that. It's like being a competitive fighter in the martial arts, you'll be the best one day, some one else is going to be the best the next day. So you've got to understand that and realise that the real secret to happiness is friends, camaraderie, for me it's my (karate) organisation, my family. This is what success and happiness is about. People say 'well if I make a lot of money I'm going to be happy'. Negative. Some of the most miserable people I know are some of the richest people in America, they are the most miserable individuals I've ever seen. So the money has not guaranteed their happiness. It working toward something that you want to achieve in your life, seeing those goals and striving for those goals. It's like, you know, some one said to me 'when you won the world title isn't that your greatest accomplishment?' I said 'no, the greatest one was the first tournament I won because I worked so hard trying to win it.' It was the tournaments in between the world title that was the fun part. Once you've achieved it then say 'well now what?' Then you need a new goal see. That's what life's all about, working towards them goals and striving toward them and making your life the best you can make it.
Geoff Thompson. Are you a spiritual man, do you have God in your corner?
Chuck Norris. Oh yes. I definitely feel I do have God in my corner. I've been very fortunate that way, I am very spiritual. I'm a very religious person. There's to many things in life for us to cope with without the faith of God. I think that's why there has been so many suicides today, the kids don't have the strength of God in their hearts and so they give up, as individuals they don't have the strength to cope. That's why the third leading cause of death for teenagers in America is suicide. That's very sad. You need internal strength. I think that's where martial arts are such an integral part, because it does give you that strength of character, it does build internal strength. It becomes spiritual at a high level.
Geoff Thompson. I notice that you use your Walker (Texas Ranger) character as a vehicle to pass on a on a positive message.
Chuck Norris. I've been very fortunate to be able to use my series as a platform to show a good message for the kids. We actually use the Kick Drugs (Kick Drugs Out Of America) kids in some of the episodes. We just finished an episode last night actually that we hope will have a tremendous amount of influence. In America the schools have become too permissive, the kids now are controlling the schools, the tail is wagging the dog. We've got to make a change there and get it back to where the teachers have control of the classrooms. We need to take it back to grass roots and hopefully one day that's going to happen.
Geoff Thompson. What is Kick Drugs Out Of America?
Chuck Norris. With the Kick Drugs association we work with inner city children. A lot of out kids are kids who already have two strikes against them and we're just trying to keep them from striking out altogether. We have helped a lot of children. We have 3500 children now on our programme, a lot of these kids have become black belts. The ones we are trying to help are kids that have problems. We have one who was a gang member, on the way to destruction who has just been admitted into one of the biggest universities in America. We just want to help as many kids as we can, help get them on the right track and away from drugs and crime.
Geoff Thompson. What is your ethos in life? Is it to serve.
Chuck Norris. Oh yea, absolutely. You know I find that when you serve, when you help others it comes back to you, automatically, it is a philosophy that is true. What you give out is what you are going to get back and if you put out that negative vibe you are going to get the same thing back again. And when you serve there is a gratification there and you're going to find that life is worth living.
Geoff Thompson. Have you a final message to leave the readers?
Chuck Norris. Focus on what it is that you want, set a realistic goal. Start setting goals that you feel you can accomplish. Don't try to go right to the top in one leap. Every time you accomplish a goal you develop the strength and wisdom to accomplish the next one. Success begets success just like failure begets failure. So when you start developing these little successes it makes you want to become more successful. Keep focused on it and don't let anything get in your way.
Geoff Thompson. Thank you so much for you time Mr Norris.
Chuck Norris. You bet ya. End
Geoff Thompson - I was recently invited to teach a self-defence seminar for Mr Chuck Norris in Las Vegas Nevada. Whilst there he was gracious enough to do an interview with me for Front Magazine and pose with his Front Hero medal. When I offered him the medal and informed him of his cult status with the readers of Front he was genuinely delighted and said it was a great honour. When you get to meet celebs it is often a disappointing experience, the minds eye image you have of your screen idol is often basted half to death in ego.
I am delighted to say that Mr Chuck Norris was ego-less, he was not a disappointment, rather he was a delight. I found Mr Norris to be a genuinely warm and humble man, very quietly spoken and courteous at all times. This is what he had to say;
Geoff Thompson. What was your first break in to the film business?
Chuck Norris. Well, really my first big break was a movie called Good Guy's Wear Black. This was a screenplay that I helped develop and write. I peddled it around Hollywood for four years before I was able to finally make it a reality (laughs). But before that I had a chain of martial arts schools that a company wanted to buy and go nation wide with. You know, like a whole chain of Chuck Norris schools. I thought that maybe 500 schools was better than owning six schools, (laughs) well turns out it wasn't. Anyway two years later I lost everything. It took me five years to get out of that whole and pay all the creditors back. In the meantime I was trying to decide what I was going to do with my life. I was teaching private students at the time and one of them was an actor by the name of Steve Mcqueen. He asked me what I was going to do and said that I wasn't really sure yet whether I was going to start over again or what. I had a family at the time so I was making it by with private lessons and seminars. So he said 'I would suggest that you try the acting field'. I said 'why? I've never had an acting class in my life. I never even did a high school play (laughs). He said 'well, acting is not just having lessons. You either have a certain presence that comes across on the screen or you don't'. And he said 'I think you may have it. I strongly suggest that you give it a try'. So off course I tried to got to acting school but, you know at this time I had no money. Nothing. And I was checking into acting schools and they were just too expensive. Finally I found an acting school that I was able to take on my GI bill through the military. So I went back to school to learn acting. Then I went out trying to find work (as an actor) but I was competing against guys with years and years of experience. I said 'this isn't going to work'. So I winded up writing my own screenplay and finally, you know through sheer determination and faith I sold the idea and made it a reality. That was in 1977. That, really was the beginning of my career.
Geoff Thompson. You played a wonderful role opposite the legendary Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon, now a movie classic how did that come about?
Chuck Norris. Well Bruce and I met when I won the world (karate) title in New York City in 1968. He was doing that TV series The Green Hornet at the time. He was at the tournament as a special guest. We hit it off pretty well and so we started working out together in Los Angeles for a couple of years. Then he left for Hong Kong to pursue his movie career. He called me up in 1972 and said 'I've done two movies in Hong Kong and I'm really big over here'. He said 'I want to do a movie with a fight scene that every one will remember and since you and I have worked out together so much how about you being my opponent (in the film)? So kiddingly I said to him 'who wins?' (Laughs) Bruce said 'I win, I'm the star (laughs).' I said 'Oh, I see you want to beat the world champion (laughs) '. But any way, you know at that time I was teaching, I had no aspirations toward acting but I went and did the fight scene in the movie with Bruce just as a kind of a break out of my schedule..
Geoff Thompson. And it was a classic too.
Chuck Norris. Yea it was. It was amazing because when I got to Rome my fighting weight was 168 (lbs.) and at the time Bruce weighed about 145. The producers of the film looked at us together and said to me 'you know you two don't look much different in size, you need to be bigger than Bruce, can we make you bigger?' I said 'what do you mean?' He said 'can you put on some weight (laughs)?' I said 'well, I don't know.' You know by this time I'm intimidated because I've never done this before, I'm scared and I said 'well how much weight do you want me to put on?' He said 'well can you put on 20 pounds (laughs)?' I said 'well I'll try'. So I started eating hamburgers and drinking malt. But I was training every day so I was burning the weight right back off again. I had to literally stop training and just eat. And then of course you know it wasn't muscle it was more fat than it was muscle (laughs). So I went up to about 180 for that fight scene. That's why you didn't see me do any jumping kicks I couldn't get off the ground (laughs). But it was a real experience to see Bruce Lee who was far ahead of every body else in that field. He had a vision that was years ahead of everyone. Then I came back to the America and I thought my life would be teaching. Then, as I said in 1974 I lost everything with my schools then that's when I started pursuing and acting career. Fortunately in 1977 Good Guy's Wear Black became my first break.
Geoff Thompson. What was Bruce Lee like to fight.
Chuck Norris. He was very fast. And he learned from everybody, he had a very open mind. Bruce never believed in only one style, or one style is the best, he felt that there were so many 'best' of everything. He said that everything had strengths and weaknesses and what he wanted to do was find the strengths and use them. When I first started training with Bruce he only believed in kicking below the waist, from the groin down. He didn't believe in kicking any higher. And I said well you know the thing is to be able to do anything. Don't limit your self to only being able to kick from the waist down. At least develop the ability to kick high, not meaning that you have to, but at least have the ability to kick high if you choose. Then make it work however you want. So then I started to do my spinning heel kicks and hitting the pads and all this kind of thing then Bruce started doing it and off course in six months he could do it as well as anybody. So Bruce was a guy who learned and absorbed everything. He worked with me, he worked out with Joe Lewis and Mike Stone and he learned from all of us. Then he added it to his repertoire of techniques.
Geoff Thompson. When you finally sold Good Guys Wear Black, that must have been a very exciting time.
Chuck Norris. Yea it was, because fortunately for me at the time I didn't realise how hard acting had to be (laughs) I was too stupid. I just didn't realise it was so difficult. So I went in there very naïve and not realising there was so much to it. And off course the critics crucified me because my acting was so bad (laughs). But fortunately the martial arts in the film was adequate and people loved it, my flying kick through the car windshield and stuff like that. That's what people remembered and the movie did well. My next one was A force Of One where I played a world champion kick boxer and that one did really well. Then I did the first Ninja movie, the Octagon and that was the big fight scene movie so yea it was very exciting times but I was always learning, I am always learning and that's what's so great about it. And you know people ask me if I still enjoy it and I say 'what's so great is that I'm still doing the martial arts and I'm still doing everything I love but I'm making more money doing it (laughs). So I'm making a better living doing something I love which is the martial arts. You know acting is my career, martial arts are my life. It'll be a part of me as long as I'm alive.
Geoff Thompson. You are known globally What is the key to your success?.
Chuck Norris. I think setting a goal, getting a visual image of what it is you want. You've got to see what it is you want to achieve before you can pursue it. I've always found that anything worth achieving will always have obstacles in the way and you've got to have that drive and determination to overcome those obstacles on route to whatever it is that you want to accomplish. A lot of people give up just before they're about to make it. You know you never know when that next obstacle is going to be the last one. A lot of times people give up and say 'well I can't do it' but that next obstacle might have been the final one for them. And so I always kept that in my mind and I'd say to my self well maybe the next one, the next person I meet might be the one. You need the tenacity to stick to it when things get tough. And have faith that you can do it. A lot of times people look at the negative side of what they feel they can't do. I always look on the positive side of what I can do. And when I got into the film business I didn't say 'look Chuck you're 34 years old, you've had no acting experience, there's 16000 unemployed actors in Hollywood, the average income of an actor is $5000 a year'. Now if I had looked at that side of it, the negatives, it would have probably made me give up. But I didn't I said 'you know since Bruce has sadly died there's a gap there for a good strong positive heroic image on the screen. And that's what I wanted to portray a positive image. Because movies in the seventies were kind of negative movies, anti-hero type movies. And I said you know I think there's an opening here, a spot here for a positive influence on the screen. And that's how I went for it and that's what saved me because my acting left a lot to be desired. But I think that the image I tried to portray on the screen, a strong positive person, is what saved me and why people tolerated the poor acting.
Geoff Thompson. You are a very humble person. Do you think that has helped you, the fact that you are obviously genuinely grateful for everything you have been given and have achieved.
Chuck Norris. Oh year, absolutely. I'm very grateful for every thing I have. You know when you start losing that then you start losing what life's all about.
Geoff Thompson. But people do though don't they, why is that?
Chuck Norris. Unfortunately they do and I don't know why that is. I think they forget you know. People need to realise what real happiness and success is, because success as an actor is fleeting. You can be up there one day and gone the next. It's very transient. Arnold Swartzenigger and I have talked about this and he feels the same way I do. You know you take it for what it is. It's great to have the acclaim and all that but it's not going to be there forever so don't go thinking that 'I'm it forever', too many people do that. Too many actors feel 'I'm the best and I'll always be the best'. It doesn't work like that. It's like being a competitive fighter in the martial arts, you'll be the best one day, some one else is going to be the best the next day. So you've got to understand that and realise that the real secret to happiness is friends, camaraderie, for me it's my (karate) organisation, my family. This is what success and happiness is about. People say 'well if I make a lot of money I'm going to be happy'. Negative. Some of the most miserable people I know are some of the richest people in America, they are the most miserable individuals I've ever seen. So the money has not guaranteed their happiness. It working toward something that you want to achieve in your life, seeing those goals and striving for those goals. It's like, you know, some one said to me 'when you won the world title isn't that your greatest accomplishment?' I said 'no, the greatest one was the first tournament I won because I worked so hard trying to win it.' It was the tournaments in between the world title that was the fun part. Once you've achieved it then say 'well now what?' Then you need a new goal see. That's what life's all about, working towards them goals and striving toward them and making your life the best you can make it.
Geoff Thompson. Are you a spiritual man, do you have God in your corner?
Chuck Norris. Oh yes. I definitely feel I do have God in my corner. I've been very fortunate that way, I am very spiritual. I'm a very religious person. There's to many things in life for us to cope with without the faith of God. I think that's why there has been so many suicides today, the kids don't have the strength of God in their hearts and so they give up, as individuals they don't have the strength to cope. That's why the third leading cause of death for teenagers in America is suicide. That's very sad. You need internal strength. I think that's where martial arts are such an integral part, because it does give you that strength of character, it does build internal strength. It becomes spiritual at a high level.
Geoff Thompson. I notice that you use your Walker (Texas Ranger) character as a vehicle to pass on a on a positive message.
Chuck Norris. I've been very fortunate to be able to use my series as a platform to show a good message for the kids. We actually use the Kick Drugs (Kick Drugs Out Of America) kids in some of the episodes. We just finished an episode last night actually that we hope will have a tremendous amount of influence. In America the schools have become too permissive, the kids now are controlling the schools, the tail is wagging the dog. We've got to make a change there and get it back to where the teachers have control of the classrooms. We need to take it back to grass roots and hopefully one day that's going to happen.
Geoff Thompson. What is Kick Drugs Out Of America?
Chuck Norris. With the Kick Drugs association we work with inner city children. A lot of out kids are kids who already have two strikes against them and we're just trying to keep them from striking out altogether. We have helped a lot of children. We have 3500 children now on our programme, a lot of these kids have become black belts. The ones we are trying to help are kids that have problems. We have one who was a gang member, on the way to destruction who has just been admitted into one of the biggest universities in America. We just want to help as many kids as we can, help get them on the right track and away from drugs and crime.
Geoff Thompson. What is your ethos in life? Is it to serve.
Chuck Norris. Oh yea, absolutely. You know I find that when you serve, when you help others it comes back to you, automatically, it is a philosophy that is true. What you give out is what you are going to get back and if you put out that negative vibe you are going to get the same thing back again. And when you serve there is a gratification there and you're going to find that life is worth living.
Geoff Thompson. Have you a final message to leave the readers?
Chuck Norris. Focus on what it is that you want, set a realistic goal. Start setting goals that you feel you can accomplish. Don't try to go right to the top in one leap. Every time you accomplish a goal you develop the strength and wisdom to accomplish the next one. Success begets success just like failure begets failure. So when you start developing these little successes it makes you want to become more successful. Keep focused on it and don't let anything get in your way.
Geoff Thompson. Thank you so much for you time Mr Norris.
Chuck Norris. You bet ya. End
my lenaptalf and partnerships
All partnerships, and all relationships for that matter, go through five predictable stages. Knowing these stages is like having a map that will help you to accurately assess where you are and where you can go.
All partnerships, and all relationships for that matter, go through five predictable stage. Knowing these stages is like having a map that will help you to accurately assess where you are in your partnerships, see where you have been and where you can go. This will also allow you to deal effectively with the particular concerns of the stage you are in. For example, upsets, disagreements, miscommunications and misunderstandings are a predictable, inevitable and unavoidable part of the second stage. If you don’t know that, you could easily misinterpret what is going on in the relationship, make inappropriate choices and miss important learning and growth opportunities. Each stage requires a different, yet overlapping set of skills. Mastering partnership is about mastering these skills.
My Lenaptalf says - STAGE ONE - ATTRACTION
This stage of relationships is characterized by a fascination with another person, organization or project and a desire to learn more about them, as well as a desire to share yourself. It’s fun and it feels good. This is the time when positive possibilities are sensed and explored. This is the stage people wish would last forever.
ESSENTIAL SKILLS FOR SUCCESS IN ATTRACTION:
1. Be interested, not merely interesting.
2. Look for and focus on the best in others.
3. Acknowledge/compliment others on the good you see in them and their accomplishments.
4. Help people to relax with you - put them at ease.
5. Know what the most important things are for people to know about you and weave those things into your conversations so you feel they "get" who you are.
6. To simply "be" with others without an agenda
7. Keep your word to build trust.
8. Be authentic.
9. Look good and smell good!
10. Speech acts to learn and master:
Greeting
Making requests
Declining requests
Making promises
Making apologies
High performance listening
AVOID:
1. Lying.
2. Jumping to conclusions.
3. Moving too quickly into a commitment conversation.
4. Expecting people to read your mind and anticipate your conditions for satisfaction.
5. Stereotyping or categorizing.
My Lenaptalf says - STAGE TWO - POWER STRUGGLE
This is the stage where people start testing each other. It is one of the most difficult stages for people. Who is going to get whose way and how? Distrust from your unresolved past manifests and there is often a fear of loss of control and heavy judgments of the other person start to show up. Many relationships never move beyond this stage and many end here. This stage is really about building trust.
ESSENTIAL SKILLS:
1. Know and identify your feelings.
2. Speak congruently with your emotions.
3. Communicate without blame.
4. Self-reflection - observe your thoughts, feelings and behaviors without judgment.
5. Own/take responsibility for your mistakes without self-invalidation
6. Observe your automatic interpretations of others and events.
7. Be present to someone else’s upset without defense.
8. Know and articulate your requirements for trust.
9. Be able to restore trust when broken.
10. Use current upsets to resolve the past.
11. Ask for help.
12. Forgive yourself and others.
13. Make correction without invalidation.
14. Don’t control others or make their choices for them.
15. Don’t sacrifice - be generous.
16. Practice spiritual attunement to find the highest path.
17. Take the initiative - be responsible for your own needs.
18. Turn your complaints into requests.
19. Be clear-headed and rational while feeling intense feelings or while in the presence of others intense feelings.
20. Control your temper.
AVOID:
1. Giving ultimatums.
2. Blaming others.
3. Gossiping or participating in gossip.
4. Being mean, attacking, hurtful or hypercritical.
5. Saying things you’ll regret.
My Lenaptalf says - STAGE THREE - COOPERATION
This is the stage where you learn to trust one another and to resolve upsets to your mutual satisfaction and benefit. You learn to share power and appreciate each other’s unique abilities and gifts. However, it is still self oriented — "What can I get out of this relationship?" rather than "What can we create with this relationship?" Beware of false cooperation in which one person acquiesces to the other in order to "keep the peace". This is still Power Struggle, only in a more subtle form.
ESSENTIAL SKILLS:
1. Know and articulate the essence of your desires.
2. Expand your capacity for compassion.
3. Read others emotions.
4. Assess trustworthiness in others and assume trust rather than suspicion.
5. Inspire high level of trust from others.
6. Care deeply about others.
7. Feel connected with others.
8. Generate enthusiasm.
9. Find and define a common path.
10. Know and articulate how others affect you, e.g., their losing/winning, problems/thriving.
11. Make choices for long-term gain - overcome the need for instant gratification.
12. Competency with creation techniques, e.g., visualization, goal setting, etc.
13. Know and articulate your changing conditions for satisfaction.
14. Neutralize competition while inspiring cooperation.
15. Ability to articulate higher path, especially during stress.
16. Be diplomatic and cordial even when worried, upset and during stress.
17. Facilitate conversations for:
Speculation and possibility
Planning and design
Commitment and action
AVOID:
1. Making assumptions.
2. Sacrifice - it always leads to resentment.
3. Withholding important communication out of fear.
My Lenaptalf says - STAGE FOUR - SYNERGY
This is the stage where there is a realization of a power greater than that of each individual. There is also a commitment to a specified focus and use of the power. Extraordinary satisfaction, intimacy, and a deep sense of mutual trust, empowerment and ease characterize this stage. It is a highly creative, high performance relationship. It also possesses a high level of acknowledgment and appreciation. The relationship emanates joy and power in this stage.
ESSENTIAL SKILLS:
1. Regenerate creativity.
2. Balance work and play.
3. Be alert to and neutralize complacency.
4. Fine tune and evolve specific talents.
5. Dance and surrender during the times of chaos before new beginnings.
6. Let go of ego and attachments.
7. Be as committed to the larger process you are involved in as you are to your own individual part.
8. Practice letting the relationship "breathe".
9. Anticipate temporary Power Struggle when you uplevel commitment and prepare for it.
AVOID:
1. Taking the relationship and people for granted.
2. Becoming overly intoxicated with the glory of synergy and get out of balance in your life.
3. Expecting synergy to last without nurturing the relationship.
My Lenaptalf says - STAGE FIVE - COMPLETION
This is a stage many people fear and avoid dealing with altogether. There are four ways relationships can be completed: drifting apart, expulsion/ejection, conscious completion or death. Sometimes completion is only about changing the form of the relationship, not necessarily the end of the relationship altogether.
ESSENTIAL SKILLS: 1. Accept and flow with change.
2. Acknowledge and integrate the value and learning from the relationship.
3. Spiritual attunement.
4. Own up to mistakes without self-invalidation.
5. Make apologies.
6. Redefine your common path - change form.
7. Articulate the highest spiritual thought about the relationship.
8. Know what you need to feel complete.
9. Generate a safe space and a conversation to make sure everything that needs to be said or done to feel complete is communicated in a spirit of love and dignity for all parties concerned.
10. Allow for a healthy expression of fear, anger, grief or any other emotion.
AVOID:
1. Feeling victimized.
2. Taking things too personally.
3. Resisting change.
4. Misperceiving that others are the source of your good or happiness.
My Lenaptalf
All partnerships, and all relationships for that matter, go through five predictable stage. Knowing these stages is like having a map that will help you to accurately assess where you are in your partnerships, see where you have been and where you can go. This will also allow you to deal effectively with the particular concerns of the stage you are in. For example, upsets, disagreements, miscommunications and misunderstandings are a predictable, inevitable and unavoidable part of the second stage. If you don’t know that, you could easily misinterpret what is going on in the relationship, make inappropriate choices and miss important learning and growth opportunities. Each stage requires a different, yet overlapping set of skills. Mastering partnership is about mastering these skills.
My Lenaptalf says - STAGE ONE - ATTRACTION
This stage of relationships is characterized by a fascination with another person, organization or project and a desire to learn more about them, as well as a desire to share yourself. It’s fun and it feels good. This is the time when positive possibilities are sensed and explored. This is the stage people wish would last forever.
ESSENTIAL SKILLS FOR SUCCESS IN ATTRACTION:
1. Be interested, not merely interesting.
2. Look for and focus on the best in others.
3. Acknowledge/compliment others on the good you see in them and their accomplishments.
4. Help people to relax with you - put them at ease.
5. Know what the most important things are for people to know about you and weave those things into your conversations so you feel they "get" who you are.
6. To simply "be" with others without an agenda
7. Keep your word to build trust.
8. Be authentic.
9. Look good and smell good!
10. Speech acts to learn and master:
Greeting
Making requests
Declining requests
Making promises
Making apologies
High performance listening
AVOID:
1. Lying.
2. Jumping to conclusions.
3. Moving too quickly into a commitment conversation.
4. Expecting people to read your mind and anticipate your conditions for satisfaction.
5. Stereotyping or categorizing.
My Lenaptalf says - STAGE TWO - POWER STRUGGLE
This is the stage where people start testing each other. It is one of the most difficult stages for people. Who is going to get whose way and how? Distrust from your unresolved past manifests and there is often a fear of loss of control and heavy judgments of the other person start to show up. Many relationships never move beyond this stage and many end here. This stage is really about building trust.
ESSENTIAL SKILLS:
1. Know and identify your feelings.
2. Speak congruently with your emotions.
3. Communicate without blame.
4. Self-reflection - observe your thoughts, feelings and behaviors without judgment.
5. Own/take responsibility for your mistakes without self-invalidation
6. Observe your automatic interpretations of others and events.
7. Be present to someone else’s upset without defense.
8. Know and articulate your requirements for trust.
9. Be able to restore trust when broken.
10. Use current upsets to resolve the past.
11. Ask for help.
12. Forgive yourself and others.
13. Make correction without invalidation.
14. Don’t control others or make their choices for them.
15. Don’t sacrifice - be generous.
16. Practice spiritual attunement to find the highest path.
17. Take the initiative - be responsible for your own needs.
18. Turn your complaints into requests.
19. Be clear-headed and rational while feeling intense feelings or while in the presence of others intense feelings.
20. Control your temper.
AVOID:
1. Giving ultimatums.
2. Blaming others.
3. Gossiping or participating in gossip.
4. Being mean, attacking, hurtful or hypercritical.
5. Saying things you’ll regret.
My Lenaptalf says - STAGE THREE - COOPERATION
This is the stage where you learn to trust one another and to resolve upsets to your mutual satisfaction and benefit. You learn to share power and appreciate each other’s unique abilities and gifts. However, it is still self oriented — "What can I get out of this relationship?" rather than "What can we create with this relationship?" Beware of false cooperation in which one person acquiesces to the other in order to "keep the peace". This is still Power Struggle, only in a more subtle form.
ESSENTIAL SKILLS:
1. Know and articulate the essence of your desires.
2. Expand your capacity for compassion.
3. Read others emotions.
4. Assess trustworthiness in others and assume trust rather than suspicion.
5. Inspire high level of trust from others.
6. Care deeply about others.
7. Feel connected with others.
8. Generate enthusiasm.
9. Find and define a common path.
10. Know and articulate how others affect you, e.g., their losing/winning, problems/thriving.
11. Make choices for long-term gain - overcome the need for instant gratification.
12. Competency with creation techniques, e.g., visualization, goal setting, etc.
13. Know and articulate your changing conditions for satisfaction.
14. Neutralize competition while inspiring cooperation.
15. Ability to articulate higher path, especially during stress.
16. Be diplomatic and cordial even when worried, upset and during stress.
17. Facilitate conversations for:
Speculation and possibility
Planning and design
Commitment and action
AVOID:
1. Making assumptions.
2. Sacrifice - it always leads to resentment.
3. Withholding important communication out of fear.
My Lenaptalf says - STAGE FOUR - SYNERGY
This is the stage where there is a realization of a power greater than that of each individual. There is also a commitment to a specified focus and use of the power. Extraordinary satisfaction, intimacy, and a deep sense of mutual trust, empowerment and ease characterize this stage. It is a highly creative, high performance relationship. It also possesses a high level of acknowledgment and appreciation. The relationship emanates joy and power in this stage.
ESSENTIAL SKILLS:
1. Regenerate creativity.
2. Balance work and play.
3. Be alert to and neutralize complacency.
4. Fine tune and evolve specific talents.
5. Dance and surrender during the times of chaos before new beginnings.
6. Let go of ego and attachments.
7. Be as committed to the larger process you are involved in as you are to your own individual part.
8. Practice letting the relationship "breathe".
9. Anticipate temporary Power Struggle when you uplevel commitment and prepare for it.
AVOID:
1. Taking the relationship and people for granted.
2. Becoming overly intoxicated with the glory of synergy and get out of balance in your life.
3. Expecting synergy to last without nurturing the relationship.
My Lenaptalf says - STAGE FIVE - COMPLETION
This is a stage many people fear and avoid dealing with altogether. There are four ways relationships can be completed: drifting apart, expulsion/ejection, conscious completion or death. Sometimes completion is only about changing the form of the relationship, not necessarily the end of the relationship altogether.
ESSENTIAL SKILLS: 1. Accept and flow with change.
2. Acknowledge and integrate the value and learning from the relationship.
3. Spiritual attunement.
4. Own up to mistakes without self-invalidation.
5. Make apologies.
6. Redefine your common path - change form.
7. Articulate the highest spiritual thought about the relationship.
8. Know what you need to feel complete.
9. Generate a safe space and a conversation to make sure everything that needs to be said or done to feel complete is communicated in a spirit of love and dignity for all parties concerned.
10. Allow for a healthy expression of fear, anger, grief or any other emotion.
AVOID:
1. Feeling victimized.
2. Taking things too personally.
3. Resisting change.
4. Misperceiving that others are the source of your good or happiness.
My Lenaptalf
mylenaptalf competition heats up.
More sites are being built every day. Some people are setting up sub-domains on their personal sites to flood the results page. That's ok, because my site will most definitely outrank Rich Nelson's. J I will keep you posted about who is winning at the time of the post.
End of week one update for my lenaptalf
Well, it is the end of the week and here are the positions...
Archives
- Ben Hultstrand
- Matt Lerche
- Wiki
- Cologne
- Perfume
- Collin and Courtney
- Teak furniture
- Mathpost .edu
- Dodamage
- Everquest Platinum
06/01/06 06/08/06 06/23/06 06/26/06
